Entries have been sparse this year compared to previous years. That is because my health is less good than it was in previous years. My health, however, is still not the worst in my family.
At about the time my entries start tapering off for this year, I was presented with a situation not entirely dissimilar to that which Calgary and the WWE's Nattie Neidhart-Wilson found herself as alluded to in the videos below.
I must emphasise, however, that I have it much easier than did Mrs. Neidhart-Wilson in that I did not, and do not, have a fraction of the fronts she had to cover while her father, Jim the Anvil Neidhart, was alive. It has not been, however, the easiest of years. It has been a year of adjustments, of trial and error, especially errors...lots of errors, before I could get a grasp in the situation.
A couple of other reasons why I had it easier than did Mrs. Neidhart-Wilson are that I have a Bachelors' degree in biology and that I worked in health care administration, which means that I have an understanding of the mechanism of pathology and the prognosis involved, understandings that help me have an idea of what is ahead. When one has an idea of what is ahead, one can formulate a plan to deal with it. The plan never works 100%, but is usually preferable, and less stressful, than merely reacting to developments on an ad hoc basis.
As a subset to the above, the fact that I have been a lifelong reader helps immensely. I read, and have read, broadly. That endows me with a certain degree of cognitive flexibility in understanding, approaching and dealing with the situation.
There is also the fact that I am a supporter of The Famous, who yesterday trounced Septic 1-0. We Famous supporters most likely have more songs in our repertoire than did the Beatles and Van Cliburn put together. One of those songs is "Every Saturday We Follow," one of whose lines goes
Though times, they have been hard,
We follow near and far.
Being a supporter of The Famous, being a member of that inimitable community, as well as my educational background and my lifelong reading has helped me cope. Counterintiutively, the fact that I have had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for decades now, as a result of losing half of my family in a car accident and having to identify what was left of those not in intensive care, also helps. My PTSD limits me to two conscious emotions. That would be "zero" and "rage." The experience of the decades have allowed me to discipline myself enough to integrate my PTSD so that my majority emotion is "zero," and so that it takes something extraordinary to switch to "rage." At night, when my thoughts are not my own, it is a different story. There is terror, there is sadness, but that usually comes with the visions of those long gone. I have reached a point that, even when I am dreaming, my cognition no longer takes long to recognise that those who are long gone are indeed long gone, after which I snap awake. Once my eyes open, it is better. The hardest part of any day is opening your eyes. The second hardest part of every day is getting up. After that, everything is just part of a checklist. And when something not on the checklist comes up, that is where the aforementioned cognitive flexibility comes in.
All of this being said, it is nice to hear of and see personal examples of brave people fighting their fears to do their best in hopeless situations. I have shelves full of books on people who won military medals for doing just this, but it is nice to hear of and see more contemporary examples, examples more homologous to my actual situation. It may be pathetic that I get these examples from media and not from real life, but even the casual skimmer of this blog knows that I do not get along with the majority of people in my immediate surroundings for a number of reasons, a situation compounded by the fact that another mechanism my PTSD has integrated into me is that I am almost only really comfortable in my own presence.
Late in 2018, the WWEgave me the example I was talking about. Specifically, the reality show WWE Total Divas. Some background is in order first.
Over the decades, I have been an on-again, off-again, fan of professional wrestling. I remember when Bret the Hitman Hart and the late Jim the Anvil Neidhart debuted as a tag team in the then-WWF. After an "off again" period, I saw that they, and the late Owen Hart and the late Davey Boy Smith formed an anti-American mob "the Hart Foundation," which I did not like. Then, there was the Montréal screwjob. I was attending a professional conference nearby in the European Quarter of the city at the time, but news filtered fast from a few streets away. It was a shock.
The last time I watched WWE, Hunter Hearst-Helmsley had recently married Stephanie McMahon, his protege Randy Orton had just won a title, then Triple H and Batista turned on him. At that point, TSN and the Canadian state censor, the CRTC, kicked the WWE off of Canadian airwaves, so I have only been able to follow bits and pieces since.
Then, a few weeks ago, I heard about Jim the Anvil Neidhart having Alzheimers in his last days. I saw Nattie Neidhart-Wilson, his daughter (who I have been a fan of despite being unable to regularly follow her matches) bravely fight back the tears and speak about this, raising awareness about Alzheimers. Nattie Neidhart-Wilson is not a valet, not a sideshow "bra and panties" match wrestler of the kind women were essentially relegated to when I last saw WWE in its entirety. No, Nattie Neidhart-Wilson is a full contact wrestler, just like her father, uncles and cousins.
So, to see her sad moved me. I cannot consciously feel sad, I only feel sad when I am dreaming. Yet, seeing Nattie Neidhart-Wilson cry moved something within me. It is like the middle verse of Gillian Welch's "Annabelle" covered brilliantly by Hannah Fairlight and her sister Heidi Renee Schleuder below.
I prefer, out of my PTSD as I said above, to be alone. But Nattie Neidhart-Wilson's bravely fighting back the tears to speak gave me the feeling that, in spirit, I was not alone in my current situation.. It was a tonic, much like the message (even though I DESPISEthe messengerand all he stood for) at 1.26-1.27 of the video below.
I was already planning for and meeting the situation as it came up every day and every hour. Sometimes it worked well, many times I had to re-improvise and re-adapt, but managed to prevent the worst of calamities. But seeing Nattie Neidhart-Wilson speak bravely and openly about being in a situation not entirely dissimilar to, but infinitely worse in degree than, mine, gave me a spark, a tonic like the one at 1.26-1.27 in the video above. This spark, this tonic, had me then looking for everything I could find about Nattie Neidhart-Wilson outside of her ring persona. This led me to WWE Total Divas. In my fatigue after a long day and during some of whatever stable periods of the day I could snatch to myself, I forced myself to watch, because this tonic, this spark, was powerful and inspiring.
What I got was not merely more of this tonic, this spark. What I got was the beautiful, if nonlinear and oftentimes contradictory (as human beings do not have it within them to be consistent) stories of human beings trying to make it in a Malthusianarena of savage competition, trying and succeeding to counterbalance this ruthless fight for career survival with a remarkable ability to be human. Professional wrestling differs from other sports in that the awarding of points comes indirectly at best and the outcomes of matches are scripted (although the WWE are strict dilettantes compared to FIFAand the Scottish FA when it comes to match-fixing.) Professional wrestling is also as highly athletic as any other sport, perhaps even more so. Unless it is Fergie Time, a footy player who misses a goal will have another chance. A professional wrestler who is off by a second or a fraction of an inch in the ring can end up being involved in a devastating career-ending injury. In that regard, professional wrestlers more closely resemble airplane pilots than they do other professional athletes. They have to get it exactly right all of the time, or the consequences are catastrophic. Gal Gadot of the Fast and Furious franchise was a hand-to-hand combat instructor in the Israeli Defence Forces. Despite this, she said in several interviews that training for her first Wonder Woman movie was the hardest thing she ever did. She had to unlearn every thing she learned and taught as a hand-to-hand combat instructor, including all the instincts that were honed by it, to make it looklike she was injuring people without actuallyinjuring people. This requires an entire reorientation of, not only mindset, but also of muscle memory, against the natural inclination towards the "fight" of fight-or-flight.
One of the massive disadvantages for talent of the fact that professional wrestling is not directly quantified in points, unlike most other professional sports, is that this intensifies the uncertainty over one's future, hence the inherently Malthusian nature of the locker room. If match victories are predetermined and no points are awarded, how, then, is a performer's worth to be measured and translated into a contract extension? The only thing left to go by is popularity or infamy, neither of which is anywhere near as quantifiable as the number of away goals (unless the WWE has developed a high tech sound measuring system so refined that it can specifically detect the number and volume of cheers and boos before, during and after each match in each arena, and that can then reliably convert those into a comparable measure.) This gives the WWE locker room as a whole the climate of the 2016 Mercedes Formula 1 Team wherein Ego--erm, I meant "Nico"--Rosberg hated his teammate Lewis Hamilton so much and so openly that Lewis was ramped up enough to try to overtake Ego--erm, I meant "Nico"--in Barca, leading to the following FUBAR with both drivers (and thus the team) DNFing.
There are plentyof claws coming out in WWE Total Divas. But WWE Total Divas has something you NEVERsaw on the Mercedes Formula 1 team before Ego--erm, I meant "Nico"--Rosberg retired his battleship mouth and tugboat ass, being replaced by the far more professional Valtteri Bottas. WWE Total Divas has moments of tenderness, moments of conflict resolution, moments of people with a problem with each other talking to each other instead of doing what Ego Rosberg did in the video above. To wit.
As the late Lemmy sang in "Over Your Shoulder,"
Easy to be cruel.
Harder to be kind.
Every performer is in the exact same position as Lewis Hamilton was in the 2016 Mercedes Team. They want to do well for both the team and themselves, but these are often mutually exclusive aims. The team wants what is best for the team, which may be, and often is, the exact opposite of what is best for each performer. This makes for a naturally hostile workplace...and yet these performers, unlike Lewis Hamilton and Ego Rosberg, find a way to remain human towards each other. This is moving. For this alone, I would argue that The Harvard Business Review should write up a case study out of each WWE Total Divas episode, just as they should write a case study out of every episode of Dwayne Johnson's and Dany Garcia's superb series Ballers. Dwayne Johnson and Dany Garcia, incidentally also produced the upcoming Fighting With My Family, a biopic of the WWE's Paige (featured in the last video above), who grew up in a working poor family and started contributing to the family till at thirteen before crossing over the pond. Fighting With My Family, is a an inspiring, heartening story of how a family of humble origins can better themselves through hard work. Fighting With My Family, in other words, is a real-life version of Ayn Rand's "John Galt."
Paige continues to be inspiring, even after the events of this filim (which ends with her entry into the WWE.) Earlier this year, she sustained a career-ending injury, on top of being ruthlessly attacked in a deeply personal way on the Internet by, among others, someone she once loved. Yet, as per this podcastwith Lilian Garcia, she is not giving up. Instead, she is taking steps to strengthen herself and fight on. Just like the highlighted poster at 1.26-1.27 of the eighth video above this paragraph. Just like Nattie Neidhart-Wilson is by her courage in publicly talking about something so painful.
Another inspiring person from all of this is the person in the fifth and sixth videos above the preceding paragraph, Natalie Eva Marie Coyle, who was "Eva Marie" in the WWE. The videos above shows the hardships she came from. The videos below, done with her husband Jonathan, show that, despite these hardships, she still has a heart and it is entirely in the right place.
If your reaction to the above videos is "Damn! I never knew YouTube could be a nice place where you don't have to be a Sargon-type Ka-Ka-Stainian eternally feuding with Sarkeesian when not too busy offing fellow Ka-Ka-Stainians like Andy Warski!", your senses do not delude you. In her podcast, Natalie Eva Marie Coyle specificallytalks about using YouTube and other social media as platforms to help build each other up. This a bold, revolutionary idea that offers the possibility of transforming YouTube from merely being the sewer of Sargon, Kraut&Lies and sundry other Rob Black-wannabes.
So, if you want to start fresh in 2019, unsubscribe to Sargon, Kraut&Lies and all the other Ka-Ka-Stanians, and subscribe to Natalie Eva Marie.
From the above, one can see how Nattie Neidhart-Wilson, Paige and Natalie Eva Marie Coyle, as well as the WWE Total Divas as a whole gave me a burst of inspiration. Inspiration helps. So does understanding, as in me understanding someone with deteriorating faculties, someone for whom I am responsible, someone who was once a leader and a giver of orders. The shock of the change was enormous for all concerned. At first, I did not know what to do. I could not understand.
This is where my social media cat and dog family came in. I love cats and dogs. I cannot have them because my projected lifetime is shorter than that of an average kitten or puppy, but I still love them, I love just seeing them. Now, that love, thanks to my social media cat and dog family, came back to me to help. The person who once was a powerful leader, a giver of orders, an ultra-organised and in-control person is no longer any of these things. But the person is still a person, still a human being, a living creature...just like a cat or a dog. The faculties are diminishing, but the person still has feelings, still can be loved like a cat or dog, like an old cat or dog. I am shocked that a person who was once a leader is no longer one, and that I have to, in many cases, now be the leader, the giver of orders, as unnatural as that role is to me. But to love a cat or dog is also to be, in a way, a leader. Cats and dogs can love, but they need protecting to, especially from their own instincts.
Without knowing that they were doing so, my social media cat and dog lovers' family showed me how to care and be responsible for a human being, who was once a dominant force within my biological family, but who now has diminished, and diminishing, faculties. For that, I owe my social media cat and dog family as much thanks as I do to Nattie Neidhart-Wilson, Paige and Natalie Eva Marie Coyle for helping me get a grip on the year that was 2018.
And now, I want to end with a couple of plugs.
Paige has her own fashion brand, as does Natalie Eva Marie. Yes, they are direct competitors and would probably be less than thrilled to see me plugging them both in the same sentence, right next to each other. They are both, however, empowered women entrepreneurs. There are some who say we should empower women by eternally holding symposiae and going on marches until all publicly held companies have boards comprised majoritarily of women. A less pie-in-the-sky, more tangible way of doing your bit to empower women is to buy directly from two brave and bold female entrepreneurs.
United States Marine, Day Trader, Computer Repair Specialist and Professor of English Unalignedbloghas a superb eponymous blog, offering profound and insightful perspectives.
I first heard of this group on TSN 690. They are called Hockey Helps The Homeless, and they raise money for homeless people by hosting hockey tournaments featuring National Hockey League players and ordinary civilians.
McLaren alumni Sergio "Checo" Perez is collecting money for the victims of the recent earthquakes in Mexico through his foundation.
Puerto Rico has been devastated by Hurricane Maria. New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has set up The Empire State Relief And Recovery Effort For Puerto Rico.
On the subject of Puerto Rico, Los Angeles Chef José Andrés has set up an organisation, called World Central Kitchen, to help feed the hungry, not only in Puerto Rico, but in other bad-off places in the world. Please donate or help if you can.
I also want to plug the Patreons of a couple of superb folks. First, there is Jordan Owen, superb musician and content creator. Then, there is Sunny Megatron, Sex Educator and Podcaster. And there is also director extraordinaire and podcaster Holly Randall. They are, all three, highly entertaining to watch. They have the charm and magnetic charisma of The Kylie Ireland Show podcast of a decade ago, starring the legendary, one and only Kylie Ireland and Eli Cross.